thoughts on my mind

I have seen the movie seven pounds multiple times and every time i always get the thought why am i put on this earth. i know that some people would say "to spread the word of the lord," but i dont think that way. Every day i wake up as if i have something to do with my life but i dont. I see my friends, or people that kind of talk to me, in pain and nothing i can do, but for some reason i see in their eyes that they deserve to be on this world more than i do but they have that one problem that could change their life in one second. for some reason i always think that im put on this world to help people, and if some one said that i need help  i will in a heart beat, and if i see someone getting beat up and everyone is watching and doing nothing i will risk my life just to save his. as my life goes on i slowly lose the fear of death the more and more i live and someone is hurting the more i want to meet death. and as i see people have fun with everyone playing a game and as i start to see hatred the more i feel alone and soon walk off to the apartment i call home.

see in this world i see two kinds of people, people that want to show off and the people that let them show off and try their hardest just to be apart of the team. but soon that person is gone and that show off has nothing to show.

i wont lie i think of death every day but will it happen no one knows but me and as i use the same fake smile i always feel lonely and mainly i will tell the tails of the road to loneliness. keep smiling

four years of hell

people dont get how much i hated high school, especailly my brother. i was never cool like him, i didnt like to talk to everyone in my class. after eighth grade everything changed with friends and every person i knew. people became dicks and the hatred in my heart became heavier and heavier as a i tried to lift what my brother did before and as i tried to earn my name and to show im nothing like him. but as freshmen year started i started to become depress and everything became harder. if people knew me, they knew me as little renze. see i hated that just because the only reason why people talked to me was to see how jarid is doing and what he liked. the feeling of being used to get to someone else made me want to be unknown for the rest of my life, i just wanted to do nothing. as sophomore year started i quickly learned that nothing has changed and earned everything just to be shot down. to feel respect quickly ran out of my mind. My brother always asks me hey do you know this one dude that knew my friends, and i always say no, but he always comes back with yeah you do he was just a year older than you. still if he is still a year older i would have had to talk to him and that never happened.